words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
