I feel great
I just peed on a car
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
