I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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