lets start a swedish sibling band together
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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