It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
