Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
