Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
