Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
