are you still at the devil's house?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
