is your mom at the bar?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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