oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
