Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
