all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
