I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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