He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
