she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
