just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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