Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize