There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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