i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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