and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
