when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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