Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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