Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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