I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
