he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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