Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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