he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
