Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
