It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize