What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
