nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
