I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
