I didn't shave. On purpose
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
