It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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