I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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