My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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