my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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