There is no way he is gay with that hair.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
