dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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