I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
