we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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