actually, I'm a sock model
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
