The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
