who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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