I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
