Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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