a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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