I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
