My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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