there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
