Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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