I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
