6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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