I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
