oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
