Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
