Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
