it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
