YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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