so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
