My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
