There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
