I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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