We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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