Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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