she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
