I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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