Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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